Sleepless in Hines

What a week this has been. Tough to be sure. Hard? It is at that. I know that not everyone has an attachment to animals or understands those that do. I am also aware that not everyone likes or even tolerates cats, much less adores them like I do. Well, I adore those that have been mine. But at any rate I do feel the need to blog about the fact that these realities in no way take away from the relationship that my Ronin and me had. It was amazing and a miracle. He was there for everything and especially some of the toughest times of my life and never left my side through it all. He was unquestioningly loyal to me in all circumstances. He truly was my boy. Without me there he was visibly lost. Now without him here I am lost and without direction. I loved him so much that I couldn't bear to watch him breathe his last and had a very trusted and dear friend hold him and stroke him in my stead who he also knew and loved. He was one of the most unique personalities, human or otherwise that I've had the privilege to know and love. What is there to do from here but heal and try not to run out and adopt another baby who needs me? I have my Bearsy boy who needs me and who is lost without his big brother as well but he's pulling though bit by bit. I am thankful he is here. But it is not my sweet baby Ronin. The one who met me at the door, curled up in my lap at night and jumped up into my arms when I returned from being gone too long in his point of view. My mind knows the truth but it hasn't quite caught up with my heart. Well, I am feeling better having gotten some of this out on "paper" as recommended by a grief counselor when I lost my mom. So I bid adieu for now. Hopefully the updates will only get happier from here and I will return to my formerly happy self...different but happy once again. At least that's the goal I've set for myself. So for now, good night!

I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance.

Thank you my sweet baby boy for 11 years of love and fun and memories. You will always be my special boy, Ronin Jacob. Mama loves you and misses you soooo much! Kisses and hugs forever. Sleep well gray one. You have earned it. Thank you for choosing me. I will never forget that moment we met. I didn't know I wanted you (I wanted a female). But you knew you wanted me and pulled me to you and jumped into my arms and that was that. You were at that moment my love. It was my honor and joy to have known and loved you. Thank you for gracing my life with such joy and love and sharing yours with me. You were there for some of the toughest times I've ever known and never left my side through it all. Oh how I will miss your sweet love and cuddling. You've taken such a big part of us all with you but you have also left behind some of the sweetest memories we'll ever know. I promise that we will help each other through this, especially your brother Bear. So far he has just wandered around looking for you. He stares up the stairway thinking that's where you MUST be since he's checked everywhere else for you. Only he's not allowed upstairs, as you were not, so he just has to wonder when you are coming down. Oh if only that were so.
I have never been able to be away from you for very long, barely overnight, your whole life and now I must somehow carry on without you every day from now on. Please help me through this baby boy with your sweet memories and love.

That's what friends are for

Have you ever been so down on yourself or felt that you could be so much more than you are or that you are giving up too easily - and thus the feelings of guilt that comes with the aforementioned situations? I have - and I do. By way of explanation, Joe and I made the decision that it would be the best for me to come off the pioneer list for a year to refocus and redirect my energies to both physical and mental healing.

I have been struggling with this so much it's hard to put into words. The guilt, the sadness, the doubt. And then I got home today and checked my e-mail. And there it was.....

A wonderful e-mail from a pioneer school buddy, Jessie, that put such a peace in my heart and a smile on my face. Her words were like salve on my wounds or balsam in Gilead as it were.

All I can say is thank you Jehovah for helping me see that I am still useful and very much loved by you. And thank you Jessie for being there to answer my prayers-though you didn't know it until just now!

It's a bird...it's a plane...nah it's just me

My name is Tawnya and it has been a few weeks since my last blog post.

I have been thinking about posting a lot lately but I just haven't gotten there. Well, I'm here now.

News from here: It's October and it's cold and it tried to snow today. No joke.
Also, we celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary on September 30th. It's amazing but I love him more every day. How does that happen I wonder? Well I guess it helps that I find him one of the most adorable creatures and hardworking men that I've ever met in my life. Seriously. He does not sit still when there's work he can be doing. And most of it is hard physical labor. I don't know where he gets the energy from but I do know he's in constant pain and never complains. He just takes it one thing at a time and gets it done. I look up to him so much and am so thankful he chose me to be his Mrs. Happy Anniversary, Mister!

Okay, enough with the mushy stuff. What else is new? Not much really. Just been taking things day after day and tackling things one at a time as best I can.

I do have some exciting news. I now have Sundays off until school is out as I switched with a coworker so she can be at home with her son after school to help with homework. I am hoping soon to have weekends off. Even if that means going back to housekeeping from the front desk and taking a pay cut. I don't care at this point. Everything fun and most everything theocratic happens on the weekends. I am so frustrated with not being able to take part in the activities with the friends I am invited to. Even more frustrating is to have to ask permission and hope that my boss is willing to cover my shift if I want to take part in anything theocratic that is "optional" like kingdom hall building projects. I was just invited to take part in one in two weeks for the first time ever. But then I realized I haven't been able to get the safety meeting done yet and cannot be on site without it. All the safety meetings I've known about are held on...wait for it....Saturdays. And I haven't been able to get it arranged due to various reasons to be able to get to one yet. As a result, I've missed out on my very first opportunity ever to be at a kingdom hall build. I am so frustrated and saddened by this. I am going to talk to my boss asap. Working weekends is so over!

Fun With Blogthings.com

You Are a Burrito

You're not a picky person. You're able to go with the flow and really enjoy life. You have a taste for the exotic, and you're quite adventurous. You're willing to try almost anything. You're very low maintenance. You don't mind getting a bit messy if it means having fun. You aren't superficial or easily impressed. Someone has to be the real deal if they're going to impress you.

What Kind of Fast Food Are You?

When you say nothing at all

Well, I have not much to say at this time. Really nothing interesting going on here. Just got our dates for our two day assembly in October so we can start ot plan for that. Funny thing - it is the weekend groups are meant to leave for seldom worked territory I believe. We'll see what goes.

I took a couple of adopted nieces swimming yesterday and had a blast. Even more than they did. They are little fishes in that water.

This must be the most boring blog I have ever written or have read. I will end the torture now and close. Just wanted to let ya know I'm still here!

Oh - rhubarb cherry scones flat out rule! Thanks to Sharlee for that little treat :-)

And I was scared? Why?

Well, I've been busy trying to get back into routine since my devastatingly wonderful two weeks away at PIONEER SCHOOL. It still hardly seems real! I was so terrified to go. I felt so overwhelmed with nervousness and excitement and just a general feeling of unworthiness to be sure. That feeling lasted until our first break on the first day. After that it was full steam ahead. Now for some highlights.

The photo above is one that I took just before I left for the group photo day. I thought it would be great to do something different and special. After all - it's a permanent VERY special photo and what's more I am a girl anyhow. Hence the hot roller curls and makeup. Not something that I generally do as I could take or leave makeup and Joe prefers me without - true story - REALLY!

So I guess I start at the beginning. The drive was beautiful and just a lot of fun to be on my way and on my own with the excitement of a two week vacation plus unparalleled theocratic education ahead of me. Clean Jeep? Check. All of the bathroom supplies? Check. Diesel in the tank, tires inflated to the proper pressure? Check and check. And off I went at precisely 12:04pm out of my driveway and on my way. I suspect any roller coaster couldn't have put more butterflies in my tummy. I took my time getting to Boise. After all, I wanted to savor every moment of the trip and of course there was a Wal Mart in my direct path. That's a no brainer.

Next stop - Boise area. My host couple, Allie and Shawn, were simply amazing. They were still at work when I got there and left me a key to get myself settled in. I had my own room, office area and bathroom - ultimate coolness! They are a young childless couple such as me and my mister are. It wasn't difficult to find a common ground. I enjoyed meeting them and am striving to continue to become closer. They opened their home and hearts up to me for two weeks - nothing was off limits (Thanks for the cookies and spaghetti and meatballs and fantastic pot roast!). It was an amazing time to spend with them and I'm glad they were happy to have me, too. And if you are reading this Allie, I will send you my shipping address for some Starbucks. Anytime you feel the urge to send some - go with that! LOL!

Each day got better and better. I was nervous about this, nervous about that, etc. But as each new idea (I thought of using the word challenge here but that would be unfairly misleading) was introduced, discussed and met it got more and more exciting. I learned such a love for the deeper things and for study and prayer and meditation that I hope to not quickly loose that zeal and continue it on in my daily routine.


Then there were my new brothers and sisters or "partners in crime" as the Spanish congregation dubbed us. Two weeks with traveling brothers, seasoned and new pioneers from all walks of life and different paths all standing shoulder to shoulder. You could feel the love and touch it in the air. I came home with truly great friends and sisters especially that I can call on anytime for encouragement, support or a place to stay when I want to see the city. Not that I don't have that in abundance here at home - Jehovah gives generously to all in the brotherhood wherever you are planted - it was just a humbling experience to see it so intimately on a circuit level and a treat to expand that support group.

So I was abundantly provided for both physically with my host home, daily lunch and snacks during class and beyond by wildest imagination I was provided for spiritually.

I say all of this only to close with this thought - it is my desire that ALL of Jehovah's servants have the opportunity if possible to enjoy this provision - it is indescribable and beyond measure. It truly is a gift, a privilege and by far the most beautiful two weeks I have ever experienced in my theocratic career and possibly my entire life.

And we have district convention to look forward to yet, and then pioneer meeting and two day assembly, and seldom worked territory (That is if I can get the time off - I'm still prayerfully holding out hope!). That same feeling is coming up again as I contemplate the future blessings of the year from Jehovah - that same feeling that overwhelmed me as I drove to Boise and settled into my room the first night there and then received my pioneer book for the class - What have I done to deserve all of this?

I guess I'd better fasten my seat belt - year two is approaching fast (only about 8 weeks to go!) and the joy of watching three sisters begin their first year in the full time service together along with the current "Eight is never enough" gang. That makes ELEVEN of us serving full time together - LOOK OUT! I am so excited! I am even more excited to watch these sisters experience the same joys I've had this past year than when it was my turn. I know what's coming now!

See you all soon.