Ode to Monkeykins*

Children. Specifically my niece and nephews near me here in Alaska are full of surprises. And love. Little Miss Monkeykins made my week and probably month today.

I was feeling sorry for myself again and very tired as well. As we pulled up into the driveway of my house after our trip into Anchorage, Monkeykins said to me "Aunt Tawnya, Can I have a hug?" Oh you bet you can. And you won't ever know how much I needed it back. And if that wasn't enough she followed up with a very sincere "I love you, Aunt Tawnya!" and reminded her big brother, Mater, to "Say goodnight to Aunt Tawnya!"

My mind reels at how this four year old girl knew how and when to reach out with a simple gesture and kind words at the perfect time. I don't know that she really knew that I needed this gesture or if she is just a genuinely loving child at heart. I think it was probably both.

I don't have children of my own but I have come to know from observation and my own childhood that children are sensitive creatures and we cannot underestimate how what is going on around them affects them and what they are internalizing.

Somehow, someway this baby girl knew I needed her today more than ever. And she delivered. Ever so simply. Ever so sweetly. Never to be forgotten.

I love you, too, Monkeykins. And I love your parents for raising their children in Jehovah's ways. Today proves that it is working.

I think I just found my new favorite niece :)

*For protecting privacy I have used my nicknames for the kiddos.

Good news vs. Bad news vs. Very Bad News

Ok. I know my latest blog posts kind of sound like I am whining or complaining. And maybe I am. I am just lonely and frustrated. I miss my husband. A LOT.

Good news though is that I have earned a full time position at work with a promotion and a pay raise. I must be doing something right. I sure love my job. And once I learn the ropes of my new position, I think it will be just great. I just have to make sure to adjust for my human imperfections and work around those as best as possible. But isn't that the way life goes?

Bad news is that Joe is just as frustrated being away as I am at him being gone. I wish he didn't hate it there so much or had at least something to do after working hours other than eat and sleep. Poor thing.

Very bad news is that I warned him before he left that we might have to move because our rental is for sale and could sell at anytime. And it did. A few days after he left. The timing could not be any worse. Moving. No money to move with. No husband to help find a place with and help with the actual task of moving. Not knowing if we are even going to stay in Alaska or move back down to the lower 48 somewhere. We don't even know where that might be.

So, if I seem a little cranky, I am so very sorry. I am just under a lot of pressure and stress at the moment and the last thing in the world I needed was to potentially become homeless yet again. Sigh.

Somebody else's turn. I've had it with this stress mess.

Banana Creme Pie yogurt

I was doing okay until....

Joe left me a week ago yesterday. Not left me. Wrong words. Well he went to find work in North Dakota since we are getting no bites here in Alaska and time for waiting had run out.

I did not want him to go. He asked me what I thought. I told him that his mind was already made up but I felt he needed to stay here with me. But stay for what? Watching us unable to pay our bills and wait for a call that still has not come offering employment or even an interview?

So I have resolved myself to the fact that what will be will be. And I made someone else take him to the airport and went to work as he flew out. That was the only thing I could do and have done since. Work.

I don't know who can relate to what I am feeling save those unfortunate few who have lost the love of their lives to death or divorce. It feels like I have lost my best friend. His smile. His smell. His hugs and kisses. I know we will be back together as soon as we can but in the meantime my heart has been ripped out. There are no other words. I have gotten used to having that boy around every day for the last seventeen plus years. Well, most every day. There was a time he would work out of town during the week but at least he was close by or within a few hours that is. And I got to see him on the weekends.

Right now, I don't know when I will see him again. And it is killing me. I have put up as brave as front as possible partially by living in denial and partially by at least talking to him every day. To top it off, the house we live in is for sale and had a couple come through a couple of days ago. And it possibly is sold. So there we stand. At a crossroads. And the only road I want to travel is the one that brings us back together again.

And this brings me to the Banana creme pie yogurt. I was getting a few groceries. Grocery shopping for the single gal is certainly interesting to say the least. It is a weird feeling. You feel like everyone else has people they are shopping for and going home to feed and you know when you get home, you will be all alone again. Cooking for one again. Going to sleep alone again. Being single after having been married so long sure is hard.

And then it happened. I was proud of myself for having got through my day off of work pretty well. I did some reading and relaxing in the morning and a haircut and brow wax in the afternoon and then our Thursday night meeting at the Kingdom hall to follow. In between, I decided I would pick up a few groceries for my lunches so I could go straight home after the meeting.

I need to get some yogurt I thought. Okay. Sounded innocent enough. And then the flavor I wanted was on the top shelf. Banana creme pie. Sitting there taunting me just out of reach. And I started to cry. Silently the tears slipped down my cheeks. You just never know when the emotions are going to attack and overflow. As an aside, it truly does feel as if he has died at times. The only thing that keeps me sane is that I know he has not and I have only to get on a plane and I would be with him in a jiffy. How fortunate I am to experience this pain to know how blessed I really am to still have him.

To be fair, there have been plenty of things out of my reach my entire life with a height of slightly under five feet. But there has always been my Joe to reach them for me. With a look that says "Honey, could you please?" he reaches up and smiles at me with his retort "I hope you never get any taller. I love reaching things for you." And he does. And I won't ever stop needing him to reach things for me and all the other little things he does. I will never stop loving and needing him in my life every day. I miss you by baby blue eyes. Please come home soon.

"We don't say butt!"

I was having a very difficult day. And out of nowhere, it got amazingly better. Ah the words of a child in the life of an adult. A simple thing really. Also amazing and priceless. It goes a little something like this:

Me (behind the returns register at work) to an adorable approximately two year old little girl: "Wow! You are a cute as a button!" (The way I say button kind of lingers on the first syllable more than the average person by the way.)

Little girl in astonishment: "We don't say butt!"

Me: nearly falls on floor laughing her butt off.

Ah the beauty of children. Can it get any better? I think not. Just when we need them most do they come through. How is it that they can do that and with such perfect timing? Methinks one could never fully explain it . There are no formulas for this logical mind - only matters of the heart.

Sweetest baby but the funniest ears

Ah the joys of unpacking and sorting through memories. I found so much my mom had saved from my childhood after she passed away. I went thorough some things while reorganizing today and found clippings my first haircut. So soft and blonde. And then I found the thing I will treasure above all. She saved my baby book that you record milestones, immunizations, etc. in. I knew I had it. But I hadn't flipped through it. Until today. And there it was on the page titled "Developmental History" under "Comments:"

She's far out. Always has a smile for you. Sweetest baby but the funniest ears.

Oh, mom, you will never know what this record means to me. It is so special to look back at the memories and love you had for me (even with my funny ears) long before I was aware you belonged to me and I to you. Such a great find!

You'd better start running!

I wanted to post this before I forgot it because it is so funny!  I was on the way home from work this evening.  I was going into our local Walgreens to pick up my prescription.  Hubby knew I was on my way home soon and that I'd be hungry for dinner so he sent me this text:

I didn't make dinner...I ate leftovers...And your chocolate...

How he survived the night is beyond me.  :) Must be some miracle.  He is a mighty brave soul going after a girl's chocolate and finishing it off!

But on the serious, this is just one reason I love my hubby.  Simple little things that make me laugh when I don't even feel like smiling.  He's always knows just when I need him to do that somehow.

The Living Years

This post is coming from a day of missing. I am missing my mama. So much it hurts. I am missing my siblings whom I have not seen in too long to count. And I am even missing my father and stepfather, both of whom I have not seen since my mama passed away nearly twelve years ago. Yikes! Where has the time gone. What has happened in life that was so important that I could not make the time to make sure they know how much I love them.

I remember the day I got the call in the late evening at work. The call that I'd better rush down to Arizona. Mama was in the hospital and her kidneys were not working and they didn't know how long she might have. So off we went after the graveyard shift - my wonderful husband and his very emotional and scared wife. We made it to Arizona two days later and saw my mama in the hospital doing better but still not knowing what in the world had caused such a medical emergency. We stayed as long as we could and then headed back home. And then on the way home we did our layover with my uncle, mom's younger brother, in Reno and I heard the words that have changed my life that day and every day since. My uncle had the most unenviable position of telling his niece that her mama and his sister was dying. Dying. Not fixable. She was not going to make it through this. But she had to. She had to. But not this time. It just wasn't possible with the diagnosis of Multiple Myeloma. She had, at best, six to eight months. Roughly 180-240 days of life left. How do you wrap your mind around this? I am not sure I remember just how I did.

She was, and is, my hero. My mentor. My life giver. My champion. My mommy. My cuddler. My enabler. My best friend. I miss her so much. Every day. There has not been a day that goes by that I don't wish her back with me. I feel happy, sad, angry, robbed. My mom passed away at 11:45pm on Saturday, November 4, 2000. She was 45 years old and 32 days. So young. So beautiful. She did not want to die. She never did. Who does? But especially when you are coming into your own as a woman. Your kids are finally grown and doing well and the grandbabies are being born. By all definitions, this is the time of your life. And then you are sick. And then you pass away.

I feel broken and lost without her. I feel guilty that I am losing my grasp of her laugh and her smell. And how she felt in my arms when we hugged or cuddled. You see, my mom and I were so much more than mother and daughter. We were the same person just born twenty years apart. We thought the same. We called each other at the same time a lot. "Why was your phone busy just now?" she'd ask. "I was trying to call you!" I would reply with an unexpected hint of surprise and slight sarcasm in my voice. I was twenty-five years old when my mom left me - not even close to done with her job. I also was nowhere near done needing her in my life with her sage, yet sometimes misguided, advice and her unconditional love. I could do no wrong in my mom's eyes. And isn't that the best part of having a mom? I think it has to be. Who else will hold your hair back while you toss cookies or carry you oh so gently toward a waiting bath because you woke up quietly from your nap as a precocious eighteen month old and proceeded to smear your filled diaper (not containing the aforementioned cookies of course) throughout your hair and face and on the walls, etc. laughing about it as she carried out the task. And who else but the woman who carried me and gave me life could console a scared and overemotional bride on her wedding day or cry as she accepted her diploma beaming with pride the entire time. And who else would sit by your side when you are nineteen years old and about to be married while the doctor tells you that the reason you are in her office and not growing up as you should is because you have this certain birth defect, which oh by the way means you will never be able to have kids. Who else would cry over this more than you yourself had or have since?  Or who else but my mom could make me know for a certainty that no one would every love me as much as she had and in the way she had? She did every day she was alive. And for that, I shall forever be grateful. So many children never get that. I never for one nanosecond doubted how much my mom adored and treasured me in her life. She told me so all the time. Thank you mom. For everything.

She always told me how thankful she was to God for choosing her to be my mom. Wow! How incredible is that? And as senior in high school, she had this poem posted in my yearbook with my baby photo - 

"Tawnya May - Good things come in small packages, this is true. But this small package is even more special because it contains you. Always be happy. Love, Mom" 

I will never forget those words. And mom, I am happy. Truly happy. I just wish you were here to see the woman I've become. The woman you raised. I know you would be proud. 

A quote from our book, Love You Forever.

"I love you forever. I like you for always. As long as I'm living, my mommy you'll be." 

Wedding Day, 1995.  A special moment and favorite photo that is priceless to me.

The baby photo pubished in my senior yearbook with the poem she wrote me as mentioned above.  How cute am I?  Gotta love me!  She also included this in a baby photo album she gave to my hubby before we got married.  She told him she wanted to share a "piece of her heart" with him and how "God knows she's a big piece of my heart."  Aww.  You are a big piece of my heart, too, mama.  And it isn't whole without you here!

Everything I love most about my mother is in this photo.  And if you really knew her, you'd understand why I say this.  Here she is with two of her precious granddaughters.  She of course loved them way more than us.  And we know it.

A beautiful preteen and future wonderful mother of five wonderful children - four girls and one boy.

  

Graduation Day 1993.  A great moment in time!  Love our matching smiles.

One of my favorite childhood photos of mom. She is so adorable.  And see those dimples in her smile?  I got those!

My twenty year older twin, Sandra Kaye.  Love the glasses and cream sweater. I especially love her dimples and kitty cat pin on the turtleneck.  This is definitely something I would wear!

Flash forward to the younger Sandra Kaye, aka Tawnya May: Similar pose, same dimples, same shaped glasses and similar cream colored turtleneck! 

Thanks for joining me on this walk down memory lane. Sometimes it helps so much just to feel your way through it and let yourself be in he moment. If you are a mama with baby girls, I pray you have the relationship I had, and still have, with my mama.  It's a once in a lifetime miracle.