Upside down, Inside out and every other which way

Well, staying in our home is officially NOT TO BE.  They have everything worked out with the buyers and it looks like they will be making some repairs so that the financing will go through starting Friday morning.  While they are tearing up my home, they are tearing my life apart.  I was homeless for so long before we stumbled, as if by miracle, on this place. It has suited us well and we love being here.

So the question comes - now what?  Well, we have until the end of July to move due to the timing of the notice according to the law.  Actually we have until August 13th if we want to push it.  And that is IF he delivers the notice before the end of today.  That will make things a bit easier for us.  We can breath easy knowing if we can't find a place to rent before July 1 that we can try again for August 1.

So I am going to pack, pray for another miracle and hope for the best.  It's all I know how to do.

Sing, Dance, Rejoice in Life Together

This video of Miley Cyrus singing to a sick young girl with cancer is such a sweet moment that I had to share.  I can only pray the little girl is fully healed by now.  Such a nice moment for her and Miley both.  If we could only all care about each other enough to carry their worries and burdens for awhile and we would see just how beautiful we all truly are.  We are all human and aching for the same human needs to be fulfilled.  I leave you with these words this inspired me to write:

Sing, Dance, Rejoice in Life Together.  Let Life Be the Music of Your Heart.

Ode to Monkeykins*

Children. Specifically my niece and nephews near me here in Alaska are full of surprises. And love. Little Miss Monkeykins made my week and probably month today.

I was feeling sorry for myself again and very tired as well. As we pulled up into the driveway of my house after our trip into Anchorage, Monkeykins said to me "Aunt Tawnya, Can I have a hug?" Oh you bet you can. And you won't ever know how much I needed it back. And if that wasn't enough she followed up with a very sincere "I love you, Aunt Tawnya!" and reminded her big brother, Mater, to "Say goodnight to Aunt Tawnya!"

My mind reels at how this four year old girl knew how and when to reach out with a simple gesture and kind words at the perfect time. I don't know that she really knew that I needed this gesture or if she is just a genuinely loving child at heart. I think it was probably both.

I don't have children of my own but I have come to know from observation and my own childhood that children are sensitive creatures and we cannot underestimate how what is going on around them affects them and what they are internalizing.

Somehow, someway this baby girl knew I needed her today more than ever. And she delivered. Ever so simply. Ever so sweetly. Never to be forgotten.

I love you, too, Monkeykins. And I love your parents for raising their children in Jehovah's ways. Today proves that it is working.

I think I just found my new favorite niece :)

*For protecting privacy I have used my nicknames for the kiddos.

Good news vs. Bad news vs. Very Bad News

Ok. I know my latest blog posts kind of sound like I am whining or complaining. And maybe I am. I am just lonely and frustrated. I miss my husband. A LOT.

Good news though is that I have earned a full time position at work with a promotion and a pay raise. I must be doing something right. I sure love my job. And once I learn the ropes of my new position, I think it will be just great. I just have to make sure to adjust for my human imperfections and work around those as best as possible. But isn't that the way life goes?

Bad news is that Joe is just as frustrated being away as I am at him being gone. I wish he didn't hate it there so much or had at least something to do after working hours other than eat and sleep. Poor thing.

Very bad news is that I warned him before he left that we might have to move because our rental is for sale and could sell at anytime. And it did. A few days after he left. The timing could not be any worse. Moving. No money to move with. No husband to help find a place with and help with the actual task of moving. Not knowing if we are even going to stay in Alaska or move back down to the lower 48 somewhere. We don't even know where that might be.

So, if I seem a little cranky, I am so very sorry. I am just under a lot of pressure and stress at the moment and the last thing in the world I needed was to potentially become homeless yet again. Sigh.

Somebody else's turn. I've had it with this stress mess.

Banana Creme Pie yogurt

I was doing okay until....

Joe left me a week ago yesterday. Not left me. Wrong words. Well he went to find work in North Dakota since we are getting no bites here in Alaska and time for waiting had run out.

I did not want him to go. He asked me what I thought. I told him that his mind was already made up but I felt he needed to stay here with me. But stay for what? Watching us unable to pay our bills and wait for a call that still has not come offering employment or even an interview?

So I have resolved myself to the fact that what will be will be. And I made someone else take him to the airport and went to work as he flew out. That was the only thing I could do and have done since. Work.

I don't know who can relate to what I am feeling save those unfortunate few who have lost the love of their lives to death or divorce. It feels like I have lost my best friend. His smile. His smell. His hugs and kisses. I know we will be back together as soon as we can but in the meantime my heart has been ripped out. There are no other words. I have gotten used to having that boy around every day for the last seventeen plus years. Well, most every day. There was a time he would work out of town during the week but at least he was close by or within a few hours that is. And I got to see him on the weekends.

Right now, I don't know when I will see him again. And it is killing me. I have put up as brave as front as possible partially by living in denial and partially by at least talking to him every day. To top it off, the house we live in is for sale and had a couple come through a couple of days ago. And it possibly is sold. So there we stand. At a crossroads. And the only road I want to travel is the one that brings us back together again.

And this brings me to the Banana creme pie yogurt. I was getting a few groceries. Grocery shopping for the single gal is certainly interesting to say the least. It is a weird feeling. You feel like everyone else has people they are shopping for and going home to feed and you know when you get home, you will be all alone again. Cooking for one again. Going to sleep alone again. Being single after having been married so long sure is hard.

And then it happened. I was proud of myself for having got through my day off of work pretty well. I did some reading and relaxing in the morning and a haircut and brow wax in the afternoon and then our Thursday night meeting at the Kingdom hall to follow. In between, I decided I would pick up a few groceries for my lunches so I could go straight home after the meeting.

I need to get some yogurt I thought. Okay. Sounded innocent enough. And then the flavor I wanted was on the top shelf. Banana creme pie. Sitting there taunting me just out of reach. And I started to cry. Silently the tears slipped down my cheeks. You just never know when the emotions are going to attack and overflow. As an aside, it truly does feel as if he has died at times. The only thing that keeps me sane is that I know he has not and I have only to get on a plane and I would be with him in a jiffy. How fortunate I am to experience this pain to know how blessed I really am to still have him.

To be fair, there have been plenty of things out of my reach my entire life with a height of slightly under five feet. But there has always been my Joe to reach them for me. With a look that says "Honey, could you please?" he reaches up and smiles at me with his retort "I hope you never get any taller. I love reaching things for you." And he does. And I won't ever stop needing him to reach things for me and all the other little things he does. I will never stop loving and needing him in my life every day. I miss you by baby blue eyes. Please come home soon.

"We don't say butt!"

I was having a very difficult day. And out of nowhere, it got amazingly better. Ah the words of a child in the life of an adult. A simple thing really. Also amazing and priceless. It goes a little something like this:

Me (behind the returns register at work) to an adorable approximately two year old little girl: "Wow! You are a cute as a button!" (The way I say button kind of lingers on the first syllable more than the average person by the way.)

Little girl in astonishment: "We don't say butt!"

Me: nearly falls on floor laughing her butt off.

Ah the beauty of children. Can it get any better? I think not. Just when we need them most do they come through. How is it that they can do that and with such perfect timing? Methinks one could never fully explain it . There are no formulas for this logical mind - only matters of the heart.

Sweetest baby but the funniest ears

Ah the joys of unpacking and sorting through memories. I found so much my mom had saved from my childhood after she passed away. I went thorough some things while reorganizing today and found clippings my first haircut. So soft and blonde. And then I found the thing I will treasure above all. She saved my baby book that you record milestones, immunizations, etc. in. I knew I had it. But I hadn't flipped through it. Until today. And there it was on the page titled "Developmental History" under "Comments:"

She's far out. Always has a smile for you. Sweetest baby but the funniest ears.

Oh, mom, you will never know what this record means to me. It is so special to look back at the memories and love you had for me (even with my funny ears) long before I was aware you belonged to me and I to you. Such a great find!