I'm finally cool !!

I had just an amazing time in Arizona. I, of course, had to go to see to my father's affairs and be with the family as we celebrated his life.  While I was gone, the mister went a little crazy.  Now we'd been talking over the possibility of purchasing him an ATV for a couple of weeks or more prior to my leaving but then I get a text one day with a picture attached...ATV is in the garage...With a note that I should go visit Arizona more often.  That's just my mister.  God love him.  So we took him out for a spin on Sunday.  We had not spent any family time together in some time so it was amazing just to be in his presence with the world gone, technology out of the way.  Just the three of us...And now I'm finally cool according to my mister.  I've been embracing the Alaska lifestyle as of late and he couldn't be more thrilled.  His response to our adventure inspired the title of this post.  I'm finally cool!  Yippee!  I'm about to loose my humility but I think I'm just adorable on an ATV.  Can't wait to get my own...a little smaller and more manageable for my size.

My mister absolutely adores this photo :)

Taking a break to cool down.  It was a hot one here in the AK outback .

And a side note...not enough can be said for the love and support I've received in this very difficult month. Thank you so much, each and every single one of you!  You have all been there in different ways, shapes and forms and each one of you at the perfect time.  It's hard to go through something like this, and in my case twice, but there are so many amazing people in my life that I'm thankful to know just how amazing they are now.  (As if I didn't know that before!)  I love you all.  Time marches on and I'm looking forward to the easier days ahead that healing will bring.  

For now, I'm in love with this Alaska summer and the amazing things it has brought to me.  It will be one I will never forget.  It has left such vivid impressions and memories in my life like none before.  Thank you all for being a part of my life, good and bad, happy and sad. 

I'm off to embrace the rest of the summer and hopefully get really muddy on my next outing on the green machine.  But one last warning.  I will never gut my own fish.  Nope.  I guess being ultra cool will just have to wait.

Another story has been written...And it breaks my heart...

I see that I haven't posted in awhile.  Sorry about that.  It's been a busy but beautiful summer here in Alaska.  Only the occasional gray day.  That was until yesterday.  Then things got gray in a hurry...

I got that call that no one likes.  Ever.  My sister had to tell me that my father was gone.  Died.  What?

It is still sinking in that my parents are both gone now.  I have a hard time to pull myself together.  And carry on.  And I'm especially having a hard time with how much this bothers me.  My father was unique.  And his uniqueness created an aloof kind of relationship between us two.  It started out as a very close relationship between a father and daughter and somehow, some way, it faded.  I have a couple of theories as to why and how but none of that matters now.  There is no relationship to be rekindled, repaired.  He is gone.

I've gone through just about every emotion I think possible over the last few hours and days and will continue to fight through them as they come up.  I will miss him.  Despite it all, I still loved him.  He was always my father.  The man helped bring me to life with my mom out of so much love.  I was his baby girl who he couldn't wait to get home to and then torture to the point of crying, as was just his way.

He was my dad.  My father.  And he was proud of me.  And I wish I could just make sure he knows how much I love him and that I don't care about all the mistakes he made. And make sure he forgives me for the mistakes I have made.  At this point, I'm just numb really.  Trying to block out the guilt, frustration at what addiction and disease took from me long before he died.  I'm angry at the alcoholism.  The decisions he made.  What he decided to give up for it.  But he was who he was and decided what he decided.  The same as any of do.  For good or bad, life must be lived and we must suffer through our mistakes and rejoice in our successes.  It's just so hard to watch those things happen when you want to fix them.  Repair them.  Stop them from happening.  Don't make that choice.  Please.  I need you.  I don't want to have this relationship with you, I want more.  But I couldn't stop it.  Couldn't change it. Only he could.  And I'm not entirely certain he had the ability either.

I wish I wasn't so sad over him and that I could just shut off the pain.  He was not the best man and father to me.  He made bad choices.  He made me furious.  I learned to love him from afar a long time ago.  And now that he's gone, I can't help but wondering.  Was that the right thing?  I think it was.  It was just too hard to be a part of his life for me.  We just never spoke the same language.  He tried.  I could have tried harder.  But it is written now.  The story is told for now.

I love you dad.  I love you for bringing me into this world, for seeing to it that I was provided for and for so many little things.  I hope that I can come up with some pleasant happy memories of you as time goes on.  So much of my childhood has you missing or is wrapped up in things I'd rather not think on.  It makes me so mad that I mourn you this much when you were suffering in all sorts of ways throughout your life.  I wish I could be happy that you are resting and free of it all and that when you wake up, you'll be better.  And I'll finally get to meet the father I missed growing up.  I will be overjoyed.  And you will be too.  And maybe one day soon, I'll be able to understand.

Dad and my baby sis in 2010.  I hope I can find one of us together some day.