A new day

Today is the day that it all starts over for me. I am going to smile and be happy and begin again.

Answer: "Wish She could crawl under a rock"

And the question is: "What will Tawnya do on the 4th of November?" Ugh. I hate this date. I really do. I lost my mom to a ravenous cancer 10 years ago today and my grandpa on basically the same date 17 years ago. (Mom died at 11:45 pm on Nov 4th and Bumpy died at 2:30 am on November 5th so I have always considered it the same date 7 years apart.)

You know time makes things easier and I don't cry even close to as often as I used to. I've learned to "live with it" as some would say.

But just the same, I am so excited for day when I have her and grandpa back in the resurrection if Jehovah wills so that the title of this post can change to Jump for Joy and the date will become one of rejoicing and the most special of all dates forever.

Dear Diary

It has just sunk in. Blogging is like a diary of sorts - only public. Perhaps I haven't given it enough time to catch on. Perhaps I haven't given it a fair chance to be therapeutic (if that was ever a goal?) But here we are.

Summer was incredible - minus the plague-like mosquitos. They seriously chased me in the house one night from my jeep! On the upside, it really was never too hot. And yet not very entertaining either. I worked....A LOT! I did have the chance to take my nephew to our county fair along with a co-workers young daughter. But it just wasn't the same as it has been. Just me and two kids. Except Felix got on stage and got into a showdown with the tap dancers who were performing at the time. But I digress, the camera failed to record (insufficient memory). So I went to get a new memory card only to find I'd been outsourced and would require a new camera - at the airport on the way to Maui. :) While I would have preferred to know this well in advance to research the purchase, overanalyze, just to find myself back at my original decision anyhow, I did find it liberating to make the purchase on the spot and came away with an incredible camera. And I even got to keep the receipt from the Maui Costco for it too. What can I say? I'm a nerd.

So here we are in Maui for our 15th wedding anniversary/honeymoon that never happened celebration and visit with three of our dearest friends, no they are family! I still can't believe I made it to Hawaii! I feel so blessed to have had such an incredible experience. It has made me want to become an avid explorer of my planet and world around me.



It was an incredible adventure and vacation. Everything went just perfect. There is not one single, solitary thing I would change. Everyone should have a vacation like that. The smile on the husband's face of total relaxation and enjoyment was worth everything to me. I will have to relate a few experiences that we enjoyed while on the island as time goes on. It might just be enough to keep the winter blues from setting in. Maybe.

Aloha! Maui No Ka' Oi

Time marches on

I just don't know where to start. How to title this. Or what to say. But I'm here trying anyway. So as you can tell I'm not much of a blogger. But...

I've had a great couple of weeks I suppose. Things are moving forward rapidly and happily and I don't have anything to complain about. Life is rough but I'm still here fighting. That's good...no that's great!

My sister is going through a rough patch...I will withhold details for her privacy... So my heart is with her. Which is what got me thinking of this post. Why do people do the things they do and think the way they think and say the things they say? If we could only for one moment think of someone other than ourselves...well I'll let you fill in the blanks.

Sis, I know it's hard right now and it's going to get rougher. But hang tight kid. You can do this~I know you can.

Why I simply adore cats and kittens.

Jehovah has a sense of humor to be sure. Just spend a few seconds watching this video and you will understand why I love kittens and the cats they grow up to be.....



And another....

Smile! You're on Candid Camera.

Sometimes you wonder who might be watching and what they are thinking. If that somebody were to follow me around today they would be truly amazed. I know I am. I had an absolutely perfect day almost and did some things I never thought possible.

The list is as follows...
1) Worked on taxes. They should be in the mail by this time next week if I have anything to say about it.
2) I chopped kindling. Yes, you read that correctly. I made a whole bucket of kindling for starting the fire with an axe and a piece of wood on my very own for the first time. I am the proudest of this accomplishment but mostly of the fact that I kept all my fingers and am injury free. A rarity for this clutz.
3) I took the Jeep in to the dealer to schedule a replacement for a glow plug for tomorrow and it will be fixed tomorrow afternoon.
4) I broke up all the ice (well 90% of it) on the front porch with a mallet that weighs a ton. Fun times!

So that about sums up my day of fun. I am so proud of my new found talents to take care of things needing done as they come up. I never knew I had it in me. And I am about to be 35. And I thought I knew myself...

Sleepless in Hines

What a week this has been. Tough to be sure. Hard? It is at that. I know that not everyone has an attachment to animals or understands those that do. I am also aware that not everyone likes or even tolerates cats, much less adores them like I do. Well, I adore those that have been mine. But at any rate I do feel the need to blog about the fact that these realities in no way take away from the relationship that my Ronin and me had. It was amazing and a miracle. He was there for everything and especially some of the toughest times of my life and never left my side through it all. He was unquestioningly loyal to me in all circumstances. He truly was my boy. Without me there he was visibly lost. Now without him here I am lost and without direction. I loved him so much that I couldn't bear to watch him breathe his last and had a very trusted and dear friend hold him and stroke him in my stead who he also knew and loved. He was one of the most unique personalities, human or otherwise that I've had the privilege to know and love. What is there to do from here but heal and try not to run out and adopt another baby who needs me? I have my Bearsy boy who needs me and who is lost without his big brother as well but he's pulling though bit by bit. I am thankful he is here. But it is not my sweet baby Ronin. The one who met me at the door, curled up in my lap at night and jumped up into my arms when I returned from being gone too long in his point of view. My mind knows the truth but it hasn't quite caught up with my heart. Well, I am feeling better having gotten some of this out on "paper" as recommended by a grief counselor when I lost my mom. So I bid adieu for now. Hopefully the updates will only get happier from here and I will return to my formerly happy self...different but happy once again. At least that's the goal I've set for myself. So for now, good night!

I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance.

Thank you my sweet baby boy for 11 years of love and fun and memories. You will always be my special boy, Ronin Jacob. Mama loves you and misses you soooo much! Kisses and hugs forever. Sleep well gray one. You have earned it. Thank you for choosing me. I will never forget that moment we met. I didn't know I wanted you (I wanted a female). But you knew you wanted me and pulled me to you and jumped into my arms and that was that. You were at that moment my love. It was my honor and joy to have known and loved you. Thank you for gracing my life with such joy and love and sharing yours with me. You were there for some of the toughest times I've ever known and never left my side through it all. Oh how I will miss your sweet love and cuddling. You've taken such a big part of us all with you but you have also left behind some of the sweetest memories we'll ever know. I promise that we will help each other through this, especially your brother Bear. So far he has just wandered around looking for you. He stares up the stairway thinking that's where you MUST be since he's checked everywhere else for you. Only he's not allowed upstairs, as you were not, so he just has to wonder when you are coming down. Oh if only that were so.
I have never been able to be away from you for very long, barely overnight, your whole life and now I must somehow carry on without you every day from now on. Please help me through this baby boy with your sweet memories and love.