Sleepless in Hines

What a week this has been. Tough to be sure. Hard? It is at that. I know that not everyone has an attachment to animals or understands those that do. I am also aware that not everyone likes or even tolerates cats, much less adores them like I do. Well, I adore those that have been mine. But at any rate I do feel the need to blog about the fact that these realities in no way take away from the relationship that my Ronin and me had. It was amazing and a miracle. He was there for everything and especially some of the toughest times of my life and never left my side through it all. He was unquestioningly loyal to me in all circumstances. He truly was my boy. Without me there he was visibly lost. Now without him here I am lost and without direction. I loved him so much that I couldn't bear to watch him breathe his last and had a very trusted and dear friend hold him and stroke him in my stead who he also knew and loved. He was one of the most unique personalities, human or otherwise that I've had the privilege to know and love. What is there to do from here but heal and try not to run out and adopt another baby who needs me? I have my Bearsy boy who needs me and who is lost without his big brother as well but he's pulling though bit by bit. I am thankful he is here. But it is not my sweet baby Ronin. The one who met me at the door, curled up in my lap at night and jumped up into my arms when I returned from being gone too long in his point of view. My mind knows the truth but it hasn't quite caught up with my heart. Well, I am feeling better having gotten some of this out on "paper" as recommended by a grief counselor when I lost my mom. So I bid adieu for now. Hopefully the updates will only get happier from here and I will return to my formerly happy self...different but happy once again. At least that's the goal I've set for myself. So for now, good night!

I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance.

Thank you my sweet baby boy for 11 years of love and fun and memories. You will always be my special boy, Ronin Jacob. Mama loves you and misses you soooo much! Kisses and hugs forever. Sleep well gray one. You have earned it. Thank you for choosing me. I will never forget that moment we met. I didn't know I wanted you (I wanted a female). But you knew you wanted me and pulled me to you and jumped into my arms and that was that. You were at that moment my love. It was my honor and joy to have known and loved you. Thank you for gracing my life with such joy and love and sharing yours with me. You were there for some of the toughest times I've ever known and never left my side through it all. Oh how I will miss your sweet love and cuddling. You've taken such a big part of us all with you but you have also left behind some of the sweetest memories we'll ever know. I promise that we will help each other through this, especially your brother Bear. So far he has just wandered around looking for you. He stares up the stairway thinking that's where you MUST be since he's checked everywhere else for you. Only he's not allowed upstairs, as you were not, so he just has to wonder when you are coming down. Oh if only that were so.
I have never been able to be away from you for very long, barely overnight, your whole life and now I must somehow carry on without you every day from now on. Please help me through this baby boy with your sweet memories and love.