Family Love

I made it to my niece's wedding in Mesa.  And she was so excited to have me there.  I guess I wasn't prepared for the overwhelming emotion as the day progressed to her wedding ceremony and then her becoming a wife.  I will never forget the overwhelming emotion of joy and tears as I watched her be walked out and down the aisle by her mother (her father could not make it from Colorado).  My big sister was giving her baby away as wife.  It was, as I said before, overwhelming.  I don't know how she did it.  I couldn't have.  She's still my baby who went from this....

To this....

To this...

Where does the time go?  

Congratulations Sammy!  I wish you and Lorin the best of everything!

One Way Ticket

I just realized I haven't shared the best news of all.  Mister is home for good.  That's right.  We booked a one way ticket home and he's here to stay.  I picked him up at the airport on Saturday afternoon.  There is not much more to be said except..YAY!  It's about time!

Sunshine and Love - Ode to Sammyantha

"We all grow better in sunshine and love."

For the past nineteen years, nearly twenty, I've been in love with a little girl and watched her grow.  My firstborn niece.  My little Sammyantha.  Only she's not so little anymore.

In two weeks, she'll become a wife and then one day possibly a mother of her own children.  It is a struggle for me to figure out where all those years went.  That little baby girl who threw her bottle into the Spokane River and sent her Auntie in after it.  Or whenever "Wink" by Neal McCoy came on would dance up and down uncontrollably from the first opening beat in her little diapered tushie.  The same little girl who asked for her favorite Reba song, Till You Love Me, by so sweetly asking "Want Sunlight Moonlight!" Or the same little girl that when I asked her which shoes we should buy her to match her new dress wanted the "black ones that make noise!" She was and is nothing less than a most special and charming little baby girl.

But when I turned away for but a moment, somehow, that beautiful little baby I held in my arms all those tender years grew.  The little girl who I tucked into my bed to sleep or held in my arms on the bus against my chest as she breathed ever so sweetly in and out calmly trusting me as she slept.  Oh how I long for those days one more time.

My little Sammy is all grown up.  And I for one wish she wasn't because I haven't been as much a part of her life the last ten years as I was the first ten - not even close. But I hope she knows how much I love her and think of her every day even if I don't always say it and even if I live thousands of miles away.

But the best part of it all is I will get to tell her in person in a couple of weeks.  This Auntie has herself a wedding to attend.  I can't wait to hold her in my arms just one more time before the man that stole her heart holds her forever as his wife.

Is this how my mom felt when I got married all those years ago?  It has to be.  I'm not even this little girl's mommy and it is killing me.  Forgive me if I cry.  Forgive me if she is still that little baby girl in my eyes.

I love being ME

I sat wondering just now what makes me so special to write a blog?  What goes on in my life that doesn't happen a million times over in everyone else's life?  Why do you need to read about it happening to yet someone else when you are already living it?

Then I realized something:  I am not just like everyone else.  My life is not just the same.  I am not just another life wandering around on Planet Earth.

I am me.  I am me.  I am a miracle and I am special.  I am beautiful and I am loved by Jehovah God, who created me.  He knows me as myself.  As the individual person I am.  He knows my heart, my thoughts, my desires and goals.  He knew me, and LOVED me, even before I was born.

Just by being born I am a miracle.  I had a  1:2500 shot of even being born.  The other 2,499 girls who had my birth defect never made it to birth.  They were never born.  But that wasn't me.  I was the one who made it.  Me.  And then there was the miracle of surviving being run over by a car on the freeway at 2 1/2 years old when I tumbled out and fell underneath.  Yes, indeed, being alive is a miracle.  Every day I wake up able is a miracle.  I need not look further for other miracles.

I love being ME.

Six Thousand Two Hundred Eleven Days (aka Happy Anniversary)

It was 6211 days (or 17 years) ago on Sunday September 30 that I became the life partner of my very best friend and champion.  It has become my most precious and cherished friendship.  We are partners in every sense of the word - in love, in laughter, in pain and in sorrow.

We have been through so very much together that it is truly impossible recall the trials and tribulations in this or any forum.  It is also impossible to enumerate or put into words the sheer joy it has been to be my husband's girl companion; his wife.  I continue to daily be amazed by how much I can love another human being as much as I do cherish my husband.  It continues to amaze me that with each passing obstacle we only get stronger as a married couple and best friends.

I thank Jehovah for sending me such a tender heart and amazing human being with which to share my life.  It has been my honor having been invited to share this life with you, my dearest husband.  Thank you for these wonderful days we have spent as husband and wife.  I cherish each and every moment of our walk together.  I love you today more than I ever have.

Happy anniversary, my love.  Happy anniversary.  My heart is and will forever be yours.

My title is safe!

Clutz.  Yep that's what I am.  And continue to be.  And my title of utmost clutz is safe for a long while after this one.

This is the girl who the Wii Fit asked "Do you trip when you walk?"..... Ouch!  Insulting but funny.

And then I decided I'd better eat my avocado before it was no good.  Fast forward to three hours and four stitches later (it could have taken four more but doc said it'd be truly unnecessary) , I finished the other half when I got back from the ER.  Funny thing though.  They came in and identified me by name and offered me a Percocet.  For a cut finger.  Yikes!  Obviously I didn't need one and declined.  It was discovered that due to their new software, the other ER doc put the medicine in for the wrong patient.  Scary stuff hospitals are!  Good thing they ask you before you take those pills.

So while I heal, I'm thinking perhaps I should not be allowed to handle any sharp objects or go on any walks anytime soon.  I don't know that the pocketbook can afford me to.

Hope all is well in your corner of the world.  Winter is approaching and we haven't even gotten to the first day of Fall according to the calendar yet.  But it is definitely coming.  Who knows what it'll bring.  Cold and snow for sure - but in what amounts and for how long remains a mystery.

Take care of each other.  Talk to you soon.

Belly Flops and Turning Trees

I don't know why - truly I don't - my belly is doing flips right now.  So nervous!  I pick up Joe at the airport a little more than 24 hours from now and shouldn't be so nervous.  We've been married going on 17 years now after all.

But I am as nervous as at the moment I first met him.  Silly?  Maybe.  But to be so in love that the thought of holding my hubby and not sleeping alone in our bed for the first time in three plus months gives me butterflies is something I unabashedly embrace.

And also turning are our trees.  Rapidly.  Yellow is the new green.  Gorgeous to be sure, but a firm reminder summer can't be kept forever.  Otherwise, the gifts of the season wouldn't be as firmly appreciated as they are when her visits are every few months.  She'll be back soon enough. For now, fall is coming with her own gifts and beauties.  I am looking forward to the first chill in the air of a beautiful fall morning.

Hopefully I don't get a speeding ticket heading to the airport tomorrow night.  Of course, rushing won't make that plane land any earlier, will it?  Good thing I work until it's time to leave to go get him.  Otherwise, I just might go bonkers.  Or bounce off the walls.  Or spend the whole day waiting at the airport.  Or....

At any rate, the wait is almost over!

Yay for Labor Day!

Just realized that Joe coming home for District Convention settles right up against Monday, September 3rd, or Labor Day.  Which means that they will want to take the day off for work for a long weekend.  Which means there is no longer any reason to send Joe back until after Labor Day.  Which means....

I get him for TWO WHOLE WEEKS!  Yay!  TWO WEEKS!  Whoo!  I cannot wait!  I will be working every day between my full time job and flagging for the state fair, but at least he'll be here when I get home.  And perhaps, just perhaps, we can sneak in a date night to one of the concerts.  Like Creed, or Air Supply. I'm thinking he'll vote Creed.  Just a wild guess.

It's still Tuesday...And other dangers of napping during an Alaska summer

I was so tired today when I got home I decided to take a nap.  I know that it wasn't the best idea for sleeping during the night but I couldn't stay awake.  But then I woke up at 9:20 to a room of daylight.

Bummer.  I was supposed to be at work at 9 am.  So I get dressed.  Mumbling at myself the whole time.  How could you oversleep so late when you went to bed so early last night?  Where is your cell phone?  I have to call in to work and let them know I'm on my way.

And then the manager on duty answers.  The conversation went something like this.

"This is (Manager) how can I help you?"
"Manager, this is Tawnya.  I don't know how it happened but I'm supposed to be there at 9:00.  I just woke up.  I'll be leaving my house in about five minutes."
"What is your shift?  Tonight?"
"No. Nine til 5:30 in the afternoon."
"Uh, It's still Tuesday.  It's 9:20 at night."  

To his credit, MOD kept it together pretty well considering I'd be laughing my head off.

But seriously? So that really means I need a day off. Who knows how long it'll take me to live this one down.  But at least I'm not late. :)  And at least I didn't drive to work.  

I guess that's the danger of it looking bright as day when you wake up during the Alaska summers that you never know am from pm sometimes.  Perhaps I'll invest in a clock that tells military time so I know what time of day it is when I wake up.  

Until then, we all will have a good laugh over this one for awhile - well most of us will.  Safe to say I win the Goof award for the week.  It's all mine friends!  

Enjoy the rest of your summer all and remember...Be kinder than necessary.  You never know what the person on the other side is going through.  Everyone needs someone to understand and make them smile through the battle.

Much Ado about Moving

Well, it's been a saga.  A house searching, deposit saving, potential landlord meeting SAGA.  But I finally found exactly what we need.  Jehovah God has provided gloriously.  It's a small space but with organization it will work well.  It has a storage area of nice size that comes with it and it is right on the river. As Joe puts it:  "Whoo hoo!  Fishing out the front door!"  Indeed, babe, fishing out the front door.

There were two larger, nicer places that I really truly wanted to live in. But the rent would have been a stretch and we would have had to change congregations.  While I was trying to convince myself that these were survivable circumstances, it just wasn't working.  Nothing was working.  The commute into Anchorage got further and further the more I looked or the landlord just didn't give off a good impression or there wasn't space to park the trailer or this or that.  You get the picture.

Then out of seemingly nowhere this little apartment opened up just when I had given up.  Plenty of storage and a place to park the trailer.  Only one bedroom instead of two but more than affordable at $750 including all utilities.  Incredible find for here in the Mat-Su valley.  And it is only two miles from where we are at now.  So the commute stays basically the same for Joe when he gets home if he works in Anchorage, we have fixed expenses to budget for which means we can really budget extra in for bills and we don't have to change congregations   I'd say that's a triple win for the home team.

While it is smaller than I've lived in in quite some time, possibly ever, I am looking forward to the possibilities and the easy housework and the organizing ahead of me.  I told a friend: "If it only had 120 more square feet..."  She said "That just means you have to get rid of 120 square feet worth of stuff."  Good call, Friend!  That's looking at the glass half full.

I don't have much to get rid of, but well I'm willing to look into it.  For now, I am just so thankful that I move into a new home soon and that the trauma of the sell of the rental we are currently living in is soon to be behind me.  I will not elaborate further but suffice it to say that it has been a very rough month on me.

But it's all over now and we have been provided for in abundance.  It's amazing how things just open up and work when Jehovah's blessing is there.  It continues to boggle the mind.

For now, I have my happy thoughts focused ahead on moving and getting settled.  Yay!

Films to "pack" by

You know you've found an incredible movie when you get four boxes packed during it and you don't want it to end.  In other words, little was accomplished.  But it was worth it.

I found such a gem in Amreeka   I am going to go out on a limb and imagine that most of you have not seen it.  I hadn't even heard of it until it played as a preview at the beginning of another movie I rented.  And boy am I glad it did.

It is incredible.  I wish I were a better writer to come up with some poetic phrasing and fancy words to fill this entry.  But I cannot at this moment.  The movie must speak for itself.  And all I can say is you will not regret watching it.  It handles the subject of what it is like to be Arabic and American after the terrorist attacks of 09/11 in such a way that I find myself really understanding for the first time.  To say that all Arabics are terrorists is to say all cookies are bad and must be avoided just because some have raisins, which you don't care for.  Of course that makes no sense.  There are many varieties of cookies one can enjoy.   And I believe that all races have their bad raisins.

Do yourself a favor and watch this movie.  It is incredible.

Another recommend, while I am at it, is Wardance - The Movie.  This centers on a group of children living in a displacement camp in northern Uganda that compete in their country's national music and dance festival.  These children are beautiful, captivating and spellbinding.  And heartbreaking.  This I would say is not for the faint of heart nor for children prior to being previewed by mom and dad.  But to say this will educate you and change you would be an understatement.  I watched this a couple of years ago and still think of the lessons I learned and of specific scenes.  Now that is impact.

Ok so I guess I'll go back to packing now that I've put on some "fluff" in the form of Sherlock Holmes starring Robert Downey Jr.  Hmmm....Maybe I will just call it a night on the packing and relax.  It is my day "off" after all.

Oh and an update on the moving.  I think we found our place today.  Perfect location, space, and the landlord seems really sweet and lives right next door.  I like that idea.  Keeps things in line and the property clear as they see it every day.  The only downside is that we would be switching congregations and joining the brothers in Wasilla.  But there is one more place I look at on Wednesday afternoon that also looks like a winner and is in our present Pioneer View congregation territory.  Also a good location, etc. but they would require all the money up front as it is managed by a real estate broker.  No negotiating there.  Although it would put a huge burden on us financially and probably lead to a few nights of toast for dinner, I am truly hoping that the one in our present territory works out on Wednesday so that we can keep a routine and stability to our lives and grow in our present congregation.  But the landlord of the one in Wasilla is willing to work with us on deposit and move in date.  And the brothers in Wasilla would welcome us with open arms as well.  I just don't know what will happen.  But I do know that I will make this decision with Jehovah's will fixed firmly in first place and it will all work out.

So on the next rainy day, you've got a couple of movies to find and watch.  And I've got some packing to do.

Upside down, Inside out and every other which way

Well, staying in our home is officially NOT TO BE.  They have everything worked out with the buyers and it looks like they will be making some repairs so that the financing will go through starting Friday morning.  While they are tearing up my home, they are tearing my life apart.  I was homeless for so long before we stumbled, as if by miracle, on this place. It has suited us well and we love being here.

So the question comes - now what?  Well, we have until the end of July to move due to the timing of the notice according to the law.  Actually we have until August 13th if we want to push it.  And that is IF he delivers the notice before the end of today.  That will make things a bit easier for us.  We can breath easy knowing if we can't find a place to rent before July 1 that we can try again for August 1.

So I am going to pack, pray for another miracle and hope for the best.  It's all I know how to do.

Sing, Dance, Rejoice in Life Together

This video of Miley Cyrus singing to a sick young girl with cancer is such a sweet moment that I had to share.  I can only pray the little girl is fully healed by now.  Such a nice moment for her and Miley both.  If we could only all care about each other enough to carry their worries and burdens for awhile and we would see just how beautiful we all truly are.  We are all human and aching for the same human needs to be fulfilled.  I leave you with these words this inspired me to write:

Sing, Dance, Rejoice in Life Together.  Let Life Be the Music of Your Heart.

Ode to Monkeykins*

Children. Specifically my niece and nephews near me here in Alaska are full of surprises. And love. Little Miss Monkeykins made my week and probably month today.

I was feeling sorry for myself again and very tired as well. As we pulled up into the driveway of my house after our trip into Anchorage, Monkeykins said to me "Aunt Tawnya, Can I have a hug?" Oh you bet you can. And you won't ever know how much I needed it back. And if that wasn't enough she followed up with a very sincere "I love you, Aunt Tawnya!" and reminded her big brother, Mater, to "Say goodnight to Aunt Tawnya!"

My mind reels at how this four year old girl knew how and when to reach out with a simple gesture and kind words at the perfect time. I don't know that she really knew that I needed this gesture or if she is just a genuinely loving child at heart. I think it was probably both.

I don't have children of my own but I have come to know from observation and my own childhood that children are sensitive creatures and we cannot underestimate how what is going on around them affects them and what they are internalizing.

Somehow, someway this baby girl knew I needed her today more than ever. And she delivered. Ever so simply. Ever so sweetly. Never to be forgotten.

I love you, too, Monkeykins. And I love your parents for raising their children in Jehovah's ways. Today proves that it is working.

I think I just found my new favorite niece :)

*For protecting privacy I have used my nicknames for the kiddos.

Good news vs. Bad news vs. Very Bad News

Ok. I know my latest blog posts kind of sound like I am whining or complaining. And maybe I am. I am just lonely and frustrated. I miss my husband. A LOT.

Good news though is that I have earned a full time position at work with a promotion and a pay raise. I must be doing something right. I sure love my job. And once I learn the ropes of my new position, I think it will be just great. I just have to make sure to adjust for my human imperfections and work around those as best as possible. But isn't that the way life goes?

Bad news is that Joe is just as frustrated being away as I am at him being gone. I wish he didn't hate it there so much or had at least something to do after working hours other than eat and sleep. Poor thing.

Very bad news is that I warned him before he left that we might have to move because our rental is for sale and could sell at anytime. And it did. A few days after he left. The timing could not be any worse. Moving. No money to move with. No husband to help find a place with and help with the actual task of moving. Not knowing if we are even going to stay in Alaska or move back down to the lower 48 somewhere. We don't even know where that might be.

So, if I seem a little cranky, I am so very sorry. I am just under a lot of pressure and stress at the moment and the last thing in the world I needed was to potentially become homeless yet again. Sigh.

Somebody else's turn. I've had it with this stress mess.

Banana Creme Pie yogurt

I was doing okay until....

Joe left me a week ago yesterday. Not left me. Wrong words. Well he went to find work in North Dakota since we are getting no bites here in Alaska and time for waiting had run out.

I did not want him to go. He asked me what I thought. I told him that his mind was already made up but I felt he needed to stay here with me. But stay for what? Watching us unable to pay our bills and wait for a call that still has not come offering employment or even an interview?

So I have resolved myself to the fact that what will be will be. And I made someone else take him to the airport and went to work as he flew out. That was the only thing I could do and have done since. Work.

I don't know who can relate to what I am feeling save those unfortunate few who have lost the love of their lives to death or divorce. It feels like I have lost my best friend. His smile. His smell. His hugs and kisses. I know we will be back together as soon as we can but in the meantime my heart has been ripped out. There are no other words. I have gotten used to having that boy around every day for the last seventeen plus years. Well, most every day. There was a time he would work out of town during the week but at least he was close by or within a few hours that is. And I got to see him on the weekends.

Right now, I don't know when I will see him again. And it is killing me. I have put up as brave as front as possible partially by living in denial and partially by at least talking to him every day. To top it off, the house we live in is for sale and had a couple come through a couple of days ago. And it possibly is sold. So there we stand. At a crossroads. And the only road I want to travel is the one that brings us back together again.

And this brings me to the Banana creme pie yogurt. I was getting a few groceries. Grocery shopping for the single gal is certainly interesting to say the least. It is a weird feeling. You feel like everyone else has people they are shopping for and going home to feed and you know when you get home, you will be all alone again. Cooking for one again. Going to sleep alone again. Being single after having been married so long sure is hard.

And then it happened. I was proud of myself for having got through my day off of work pretty well. I did some reading and relaxing in the morning and a haircut and brow wax in the afternoon and then our Thursday night meeting at the Kingdom hall to follow. In between, I decided I would pick up a few groceries for my lunches so I could go straight home after the meeting.

I need to get some yogurt I thought. Okay. Sounded innocent enough. And then the flavor I wanted was on the top shelf. Banana creme pie. Sitting there taunting me just out of reach. And I started to cry. Silently the tears slipped down my cheeks. You just never know when the emotions are going to attack and overflow. As an aside, it truly does feel as if he has died at times. The only thing that keeps me sane is that I know he has not and I have only to get on a plane and I would be with him in a jiffy. How fortunate I am to experience this pain to know how blessed I really am to still have him.

To be fair, there have been plenty of things out of my reach my entire life with a height of slightly under five feet. But there has always been my Joe to reach them for me. With a look that says "Honey, could you please?" he reaches up and smiles at me with his retort "I hope you never get any taller. I love reaching things for you." And he does. And I won't ever stop needing him to reach things for me and all the other little things he does. I will never stop loving and needing him in my life every day. I miss you by baby blue eyes. Please come home soon.

"We don't say butt!"

I was having a very difficult day. And out of nowhere, it got amazingly better. Ah the words of a child in the life of an adult. A simple thing really. Also amazing and priceless. It goes a little something like this:

Me (behind the returns register at work) to an adorable approximately two year old little girl: "Wow! You are a cute as a button!" (The way I say button kind of lingers on the first syllable more than the average person by the way.)

Little girl in astonishment: "We don't say butt!"

Me: nearly falls on floor laughing her butt off.

Ah the beauty of children. Can it get any better? I think not. Just when we need them most do they come through. How is it that they can do that and with such perfect timing? Methinks one could never fully explain it . There are no formulas for this logical mind - only matters of the heart.

Sweetest baby but the funniest ears

Ah the joys of unpacking and sorting through memories. I found so much my mom had saved from my childhood after she passed away. I went thorough some things while reorganizing today and found clippings my first haircut. So soft and blonde. And then I found the thing I will treasure above all. She saved my baby book that you record milestones, immunizations, etc. in. I knew I had it. But I hadn't flipped through it. Until today. And there it was on the page titled "Developmental History" under "Comments:"

She's far out. Always has a smile for you. Sweetest baby but the funniest ears.

Oh, mom, you will never know what this record means to me. It is so special to look back at the memories and love you had for me (even with my funny ears) long before I was aware you belonged to me and I to you. Such a great find!

You'd better start running!

I wanted to post this before I forgot it because it is so funny!  I was on the way home from work this evening.  I was going into our local Walgreens to pick up my prescription.  Hubby knew I was on my way home soon and that I'd be hungry for dinner so he sent me this text:

I didn't make dinner...I ate leftovers...And your chocolate...

How he survived the night is beyond me.  :) Must be some miracle.  He is a mighty brave soul going after a girl's chocolate and finishing it off!

But on the serious, this is just one reason I love my hubby.  Simple little things that make me laugh when I don't even feel like smiling.  He's always knows just when I need him to do that somehow.

The Living Years

This post is coming from a day of missing. I am missing my mama. So much it hurts. I am missing my siblings whom I have not seen in too long to count. And I am even missing my father and stepfather, both of whom I have not seen since my mama passed away nearly twelve years ago. Yikes! Where has the time gone. What has happened in life that was so important that I could not make the time to make sure they know how much I love them.

I remember the day I got the call in the late evening at work. The call that I'd better rush down to Arizona. Mama was in the hospital and her kidneys were not working and they didn't know how long she might have. So off we went after the graveyard shift - my wonderful husband and his very emotional and scared wife. We made it to Arizona two days later and saw my mama in the hospital doing better but still not knowing what in the world had caused such a medical emergency. We stayed as long as we could and then headed back home. And then on the way home we did our layover with my uncle, mom's younger brother, in Reno and I heard the words that have changed my life that day and every day since. My uncle had the most unenviable position of telling his niece that her mama and his sister was dying. Dying. Not fixable. She was not going to make it through this. But she had to. She had to. But not this time. It just wasn't possible with the diagnosis of Multiple Myeloma. She had, at best, six to eight months. Roughly 180-240 days of life left. How do you wrap your mind around this? I am not sure I remember just how I did.

She was, and is, my hero. My mentor. My life giver. My champion. My mommy. My cuddler. My enabler. My best friend. I miss her so much. Every day. There has not been a day that goes by that I don't wish her back with me. I feel happy, sad, angry, robbed. My mom passed away at 11:45pm on Saturday, November 4, 2000. She was 45 years old and 32 days. So young. So beautiful. She did not want to die. She never did. Who does? But especially when you are coming into your own as a woman. Your kids are finally grown and doing well and the grandbabies are being born. By all definitions, this is the time of your life. And then you are sick. And then you pass away.

I feel broken and lost without her. I feel guilty that I am losing my grasp of her laugh and her smell. And how she felt in my arms when we hugged or cuddled. You see, my mom and I were so much more than mother and daughter. We were the same person just born twenty years apart. We thought the same. We called each other at the same time a lot. "Why was your phone busy just now?" she'd ask. "I was trying to call you!" I would reply with an unexpected hint of surprise and slight sarcasm in my voice. I was twenty-five years old when my mom left me - not even close to done with her job. I also was nowhere near done needing her in my life with her sage, yet sometimes misguided, advice and her unconditional love. I could do no wrong in my mom's eyes. And isn't that the best part of having a mom? I think it has to be. Who else will hold your hair back while you toss cookies or carry you oh so gently toward a waiting bath because you woke up quietly from your nap as a precocious eighteen month old and proceeded to smear your filled diaper (not containing the aforementioned cookies of course) throughout your hair and face and on the walls, etc. laughing about it as she carried out the task. And who else but the woman who carried me and gave me life could console a scared and overemotional bride on her wedding day or cry as she accepted her diploma beaming with pride the entire time. And who else would sit by your side when you are nineteen years old and about to be married while the doctor tells you that the reason you are in her office and not growing up as you should is because you have this certain birth defect, which oh by the way means you will never be able to have kids. Who else would cry over this more than you yourself had or have since?  Or who else but my mom could make me know for a certainty that no one would every love me as much as she had and in the way she had? She did every day she was alive. And for that, I shall forever be grateful. So many children never get that. I never for one nanosecond doubted how much my mom adored and treasured me in her life. She told me so all the time. Thank you mom. For everything.

She always told me how thankful she was to God for choosing her to be my mom. Wow! How incredible is that? And as senior in high school, she had this poem posted in my yearbook with my baby photo - 

"Tawnya May - Good things come in small packages, this is true. But this small package is even more special because it contains you. Always be happy. Love, Mom" 

I will never forget those words. And mom, I am happy. Truly happy. I just wish you were here to see the woman I've become. The woman you raised. I know you would be proud. 

A quote from our book, Love You Forever.

"I love you forever. I like you for always. As long as I'm living, my mommy you'll be." 

Wedding Day, 1995.  A special moment and favorite photo that is priceless to me.

The baby photo pubished in my senior yearbook with the poem she wrote me as mentioned above.  How cute am I?  Gotta love me!  She also included this in a baby photo album she gave to my hubby before we got married.  She told him she wanted to share a "piece of her heart" with him and how "God knows she's a big piece of my heart."  Aww.  You are a big piece of my heart, too, mama.  And it isn't whole without you here!

Everything I love most about my mother is in this photo.  And if you really knew her, you'd understand why I say this.  Here she is with two of her precious granddaughters.  She of course loved them way more than us.  And we know it.

A beautiful preteen and future wonderful mother of five wonderful children - four girls and one boy.

  

Graduation Day 1993.  A great moment in time!  Love our matching smiles.

One of my favorite childhood photos of mom. She is so adorable.  And see those dimples in her smile?  I got those!

My twenty year older twin, Sandra Kaye.  Love the glasses and cream sweater. I especially love her dimples and kitty cat pin on the turtleneck.  This is definitely something I would wear!

Flash forward to the younger Sandra Kaye, aka Tawnya May: Similar pose, same dimples, same shaped glasses and similar cream colored turtleneck! 

Thanks for joining me on this walk down memory lane. Sometimes it helps so much just to feel your way through it and let yourself be in he moment. If you are a mama with baby girls, I pray you have the relationship I had, and still have, with my mama.  It's a once in a lifetime miracle.

We made it!

Yay! Either I am dreaming or we have made it through our first winter in Alaska. I have never been so happy to see springtime in my whole life! By all accounts, it was a record breaking winter. Now the mountains are beginning to reemerge and the ice is melting and what the locals call "Breakup" is well underway. The days are getting longer and warmer and spring has definitely arrived.

We moved into our own place the beginning of March. It is a older place that needs A LOT of work and is a far cry from the home we sold when leaving Oregon. But never have four walls and a roof meant so much to me in my entire life. I am so beyond thankful for this home it is had to express in words. I definitely wouldn't have made a good Israelite. After one year of a nomadic type life, I was beyond done three months before it was. So we are settled, or so it seems, here in Alaska. Let's hope the next winter holds off a few weeks :)

Out of This World (A symphonic guide to the solar system)

Date night in Anchorage last night included my first ever trip to the symphony. First ever. It was incredible! The Anchorage Symphony Orchestra (ASO) gave an amazing performance. Sitting there for the first time ever in a symphony performance left me feeling awestruck and a little jealous that I can't play a musical instrument. It is something I've always wanted to do. I haven't ever learned to play - either for lack opportunity or motivation who knows.

What I do know is an evening immersed in such cultural enrichment and with the kind of crowd that attends these events is so much more enjoyable than a regular music concert and all that comes with it. I have been to all kinds of concerts - from Fleetwood Mac to Alan Jackson and most anything in between. And they have all been enjoyable. But there is something about this symphony that awakened a love of the arts and orchestra in me. Not that I am the type to attend the symphony at every opportunity nor hold a membership, but I am glad to have had the opportunity to experience it merged with my love of creation and the solar system. It was also inspiring and incredible to see just how many children were brought by their parents to enjoy this as well. Bravo to you, parents! A great way to spend the night as a family.

Next stop: The Thomas Planetarium. Perhaps the winter and Anchorage won't be so hard to make it through after all. I am so glad there are these things available to enjoy. Thank you, ASO! By the way, the music played was from Mozart's 41st symphony and Gustav Holst's "The Planets" which was the part of the program accompanied by the images via slide projection set to the music. Listen to "Mars, the Bring of War" and you will hear some very familiar tunes from a certain Imperial March theme if you are Star Wars fan.

I wonder.

Sometimes I wonder. I wonder what he would have looked like. Or she. I would have loved a boy or a girl. What kind of parents would we have made? Would our baby be as beautiful as I imagine it to be?

There are things we can control in our lives and things we cannot. Parenthood for me falls into the later category. I was born not able to have children.

Is it cruel and unusual punishment? I don't think so. Is it desirable? Again, I don't think so. I wish I could make the decision to be a parent or not. How many should we have? How far apart in age? What will we name them? What about this? Or that?

I was fortunate to find one amazing husband. Borderline perfect to my eyes. He married me knowing what it meant. When we said "I do" it was to each other forever no matter what. And he said "I don't" to being a father. What man does this? Mine. That's who.

So do I wonder about what kind of mommy I would be. What would it be like to see the face of my child for the first time after all those months of anticipation? To hold them against me and learn their smell? To have them fall in love with me and I with them? To be their everything and them be mine? Of course I do. Yes, I wonder.

But one thing I don't have to wonder about is what it is like to be loved for who I am from the tips of my toes to the top of my graying head. That I know.

Anniversary Week Celebrations and Rememberances

It's been fifteen years (15!) since my baptism date. 1-11-1997. Where has the time gone? It's been a whirlwind. I don't think I can recall the many ups, downs and sideways adventures I've been on since that day until today. It is still the best decision I have ever, or ever will, make. Have I made the progress as a Christian I would wish for myself at this point? Not really. Can I? With Jehovah's blessing and holy spirit, there is no doubt I can. Here's to continued growth and forever serving my God.

And it has been two very, very long years (much longer than the 15 mentioned above) since I said "see you later" on 1-11-2010 to the creature I loved more than any other. My Ronin Jacob. My baby boy. My friend. My companion. My laughter. He filled a special place in my life and heart that no other could. He came to me at just the right time and stayed until he could no longer endure the pain of his illness. Perhaps you will be surprised to know he was my cat, not a child and not a spouse or even a fellow human being. But he was so much more than that to me and always will be. I loved him as much as any mother loves her human son. I am sure of that. I miss him more today than I ever have and am so honored and blessed to have shared his life for those 11 wonderful years. You have no idea how much I wish you were here, my sweetness!

God I love that little face.  Oh how I miss my baby.

(Wo)Man on the Moon

Just prior to heading to bed this evening, I looked up and there it was. The moon! So bright and comforting. I haven't seen it much since being here in Alaska with the cloud cover.

The moon. Amazing. Simple. Perfectly doing its job. Beckoning me to fly to it and look back on Earth from a vantage point few get to see. I love creation.

Perhaps I should have been an Astronaut. Yep. That's the ticket.

Motherhood and More: My Superpower: An Ode to My Amazing A-Cups

Motherhood and More: My Superpower: An Ode to My Amazing A-Cups

One of the most amazing blog entries I've read! If all women felt like this, the cost and vanity of plastic surgery would be a thing of the past. I like the way you think, Annie :)

Counting Blessings

"Be Content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you." Lao Tzu

This quote was brought to my attention by reading a high school friend's blog post this morning. And as I read her post about what are real problems vs. what we may think are problems (she's quite philosophical and went much deeper than this) I give pause and I think....

I would much rather count my blessings than the coins in the bank or the clothes in the closet or the miles I've traveled to get to where I am as a person today. They simply do not matter. At all. Yes I've had my shares of ups and downs and back and forth and zig and zag. Who hasn't? But as this blog post pointed out, do I not have what I need in abundance? I always have. Even when we were homeless for about six months when I was in junior high school we had what we NEEDED for the day. And I was not even a servant of Jehovah God as I am now and this makes me realize he has watched over me, whether I was aware of this or not, my ENTIRE LIFE. Wow! How do you wrap your mind around such a benevolent, kind God and Father? Pause for thought.

And so that brings me to my goal for today, tomorrow and all the days going forward and to say "Thank You" to my God for my food to eat, my clean clothes to wear and my temporary home to keep me harbored from the winter outside. Thank you for the people I love, too, and who love me. Thank you for giving me all I need. And thank you Annie for the pause for thought.

Alaska (in pictures)

Here are just a few of my favorite photos I have taken. I have lots more to share as time marches on. Not everybody is able to make it up here to visit, let alone live, so I hope you enjoy!

Above are a mommy moose and her baby. Right in our back yard!

The Matanuska River as seen facing west from a recreational area. The seasons were just beginning to change from summer to fall. So gorgeous! This is fed from the Matanuska Glacier.

Another photo of the Matanuska River - closer up this time.

Here's mommy moose again! Isn't she so pretty? I can't believe I was so close (neat and scary at the same time!)

The view from our (temporary) window this afternoon as the sun started setting. Spectacular, no? There is beauty even in the depth of winter!

Ouch! Are you for real? Really?!

What a week it has been. What a week. I got in a minor car accident due to the vehicle fishtailing and I was unable to get it back under control in time. In unrelated news, the car broke down the next day by dropping it's third alternator in a couple of months. Wow! I've heard tell some say "Just shoot me!" to these kinds of weeks. But I know better. I belong to Jehovah God and he will take care of us. It is going to be a long haul through this mess but we have a lot of positives coming from it as well. Well, that's the way I see it. I wish it hadn't happened. I truly do. I was trying so hard and being so cautious, yet it still happened to me. I guess that's why they call them accidents. As far as positives, I can't really explain how I see it that way but suffice to say I've always been a "glass half full" kind of girl.

Other than that, it is a deep deep cold winter here in Alaska. I will try (I know, I know...you'll believe it when you see it) to get some pictures of the snow and trees and the moose that are hanging around the house we are living in as housesitters for the winter. I will watch for them on my day off tomorrow. I am adjusting...slowly but surely. I am not sure I would ever have chosen to live here and had no desire as much as Joe did to come. But once we get our own home, get Joe some steady permanent employment I think things will look a whole lot different and we can finally breathe a bit. Of course, all the while being chased down by that "roaring lion" looking for a tasty meal. I'm not looking for a deep breath but I would like to catch mine for a second to be sure. You sure can get the wind knocked out of you or feel knocked down if you let yourself feel that way.

I miss my family and friends and my Bearsy boy who we left in Burns and would give anything to be back home again. But I have a feeling Jehovah is going to do great things through us and with us here. I just know it, And we are all on the "menu" no matter where we live. So I'm gonna dig my roots down and bloom where I'm planted and welcome the blessings from Jehovah that I know are in store for us.

I am fine after the accident and the car can be made to run again. This too shall pass. I am so grateful for that. Mistakes can be corrected but life lost? That's a longer term problem that can't be fixed in a body shop or auto shop. I love you all and so sorry it's been so long between postings. I just have gotten a case of the winter blues a bit and am also working a lot at a fabulous job at Home Depot. I truly do love it there!

Until picture posting time, I leave you with this thought:

"I always am careful to look at my glass half full because if you look at your glass half empty, it might as well be empty all the way." Mattie Stepanek

(The quote will mean so much more if you look up some information on this amazing young man and what he faced in his short life.)