I wonder.

Sometimes I wonder. I wonder what he would have looked like. Or she. I would have loved a boy or a girl. What kind of parents would we have made? Would our baby be as beautiful as I imagine it to be?

There are things we can control in our lives and things we cannot. Parenthood for me falls into the later category. I was born not able to have children.

Is it cruel and unusual punishment? I don't think so. Is it desirable? Again, I don't think so. I wish I could make the decision to be a parent or not. How many should we have? How far apart in age? What will we name them? What about this? Or that?

I was fortunate to find one amazing husband. Borderline perfect to my eyes. He married me knowing what it meant. When we said "I do" it was to each other forever no matter what. And he said "I don't" to being a father. What man does this? Mine. That's who.

So do I wonder about what kind of mommy I would be. What would it be like to see the face of my child for the first time after all those months of anticipation? To hold them against me and learn their smell? To have them fall in love with me and I with them? To be their everything and them be mine? Of course I do. Yes, I wonder.

But one thing I don't have to wonder about is what it is like to be loved for who I am from the tips of my toes to the top of my graying head. That I know.